I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
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Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on