My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
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You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh