The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
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My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!