If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
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Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.