(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
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I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
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“Oh god wait.”
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
Owl Sanctuary
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here