something like this could probably happen to anyone
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Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“