KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
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wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.