How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
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My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”
Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
girls literally only want one thing..
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.