Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
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Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven