*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
You Might Also Like
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.