ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
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[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
Actually cracking up @ this
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
man: wait
time: no
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.