You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
You Might Also Like
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.