Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
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Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
Nomnomnomnom
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
2023 was just a warmup
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.