7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
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Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?