Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
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How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.