bought wrong eggs
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If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
Just a reminder, folks:
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
My loaf of bread looks terrified
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.