Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
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I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.