restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
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My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
Noah was an idiot.
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree