[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
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Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
Cow it started Cow it’s going
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.