What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
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Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
You better watch out
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”