Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
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Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
my first day as a raccoon
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
opening a flower shop called women in stem
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
The 4 stages of a family vacation
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!