“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
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[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”