Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
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accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?