– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
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Close call…
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
We are the people our parents warned us about.
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.