[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
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My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.