Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
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When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
Come back with a warrant
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
meanwhile over on facebook
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
WHY would you be happy about this?
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.