“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
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How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.