November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
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here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
Imma just leave this here…………
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.