[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
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Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
This woman is my idol. Free her.
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?