No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
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Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”