i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
You Might Also Like
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game