I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
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[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
Well, shit
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
What flavor cupcake are these
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
Who called it baking and not making love
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004