Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
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Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
Oh the world we live in…
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away