Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
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Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
Stop it! 😂
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be