What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
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Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
…
…
…
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2015: Taco Emoji!
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
shut up and take my money
[at the general store]
me: one general please
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebulaENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit