Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
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Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
Which wines pair best with gloating?
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
are there any atheist mantises?
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.