Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
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Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
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Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
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