Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
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They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want oneMy ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin