a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
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*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
Happy Thanksgiving
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.