Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
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*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?