My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
You Might Also Like
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.