me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
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BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
🌱🌱🌱
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
The first one, obviously
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”