CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
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I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*