Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
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Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
We found love in a hopeless place.
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
good work, everybody
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*