One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
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[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
dutch so unserious
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl