Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
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[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
Not my job 😂
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.