“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
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I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine