me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
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[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
My inexpensive home security system…
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
A collection of me turning into random objects.
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*