me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
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Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse