Anyone want a chair?
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Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate